Thought I Was Okay With Being A Stay-At-Home Mom

I just found myself tearing up at what my husband said. I knew he was just kidding but it hurt a lot.

Ever since I was young, I have dreamed of being successful in the corporate world. I finished high school in one of the best science high schools in the Philippines and earned a bachelor’s degree from the country’s premier university. I was already working my way up the corporate ladder when I had to make a crucial decision: fly to the US to get married or stay in the Philippines to continue my life as I had planned. It was a really tough decision for me. My boss back then even asked me if I would consider staying if they gave me a promotion. But love prevailed and I decided to leave my country and marry my husband.

I never imagined I’d be a housewife/homemaker. I once broke up with a guy because he believes wives should stay at home. I hated the thought of being a housewife. I mean, I made sure I finished my studies at the best schools because I wanted to work and get promoted and work again and get promoted again.

When I was 2 months pregnant (about 2 years ago), I had to quit my job because of some complications. I couldn’t focus on my job so I just decided to resign. And when my son was born, my husband and I were actually glad that I didn’t need to think about when to go back to work because I had my son to take care of. But now that he’s almost 2 years old, sometimes I feel like maybe it’s time for me to look for a job so I can help with all the bills at home.

I hate not being able to contribute a significant amount to our monthly income. Sure I earn some money from blogging but it’s not that big and it doesn’t come regularly since it depends on how many offers I get for the month. I just make myself feel better by rationalizing (babysitter/daycare is expensive, at least I get to spend time with my son, etc). But then the other night, I was joking around with my husband and I wouldn’t let him sleep. Then he said something along the lines of:

I need to sleep now. Unlike you, I have to wake up early in the morning to work. And while I’m working, you’ll still be here sleeping.

I just suddenly stopped and cried. I knew he was just kidding so I didn’t want to get mad at him. But it really hurt because I suddenly felt like I was good for nothing. Like all the years I spent studying and laying foundations for a good career had just gone to waste and now I’m just a housewife and I couldn’t even contribute $1000 to our monthly budget.

He did say he was sorry for what he said and that he didn’t mean it. He realized he hurt me so he asked me to put my arms around him until he has fallen asleep. It may seem to be a weird “sorry gesture” to others but we both understand that this works well for both our love languages (touch for me and quality time for him). But I still couldn’t keep myself from crying while I had my arms around him.

Why did I react that way? I guess it’s a touchy topic for me given that I’ve always planned on becoming a career woman and that’s not what’s happening. Or maybe it was just PMS. LOL!

I thought I was okay with being a stay-at-home mom. But perhaps I haven’t fully embraced this setup yet. Or maybe I just need to stop thinking that just because I don’t work outside the home, I am not fulfilling my duties as a wife and mother.


Thought I Was Okay With Being A Stay-At-Home Mom — 20 Comments

  1. That’s a turn of events. I think it’s great you can be proud of being so well educated, I’d make my peace with that and being a stay at home mom, as long it is by choice.

  2. I actually felt myself tearing up as I read your post. I can relate to what you are saying entirely. I used to make excellent money years ago with a God given talent I have, but then business got bad and since then I’ve been somewhat dependent on my partner. It bothered me very badly for years. I finally met a man who is now my husband. He never makes me feel bad about my financial contributions. I work a less than part time job, but it helps. I also enter contests and have won some nice things we wouldn’t normally have. I also help to take care of his elderly mother. I think what you need to keep reminding yourself of…. is that you ARE important. VERY important! If you were to put a price on everything you do, you may find it’s worth more than what your hubby makes!

  3. i understand because i am a housewife and homemaker i feel as i do work i work hard at being a housewife and mother we have 2 daughters a 13 and 9 year old my 9 year old is serverly autistic and nonverbal so i have extra work i have to do daily. i have wanted to go back to work but cant because of her needs there is noone in our area that is capable to handle a servere autistic child with aggressive behavoirs so i do know what you mean

  4. I understand your conflict but I wish people would stop looking at stay at home moms and housekeeping as a good for nothing job when it is the hardest job in the world and if you were to get paid for all that you do it ranks up there with the highest paid corporate jobs. We have been socially engineered to think that women need a career when just one to two generations ago sociatally it was expected of a woman to stay home. I say give yourself more credit for all you do, having a job outside the home is not going to make you happier and it may just be the opposite and enjoy your son now because before you know it he will be busy all day at school. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
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  5. I hope you’re feeling better now. Maybe it’s just one of those days. Kristin Gilbert is right, being a stay at home mom is already a career. It might not be what you really wanted but it’s one hell of a tough job. You don’t get paid but the rewards are overwhelming.
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  6. Aww, Im sorry sweetie may e you should go back to work for yourself it would make you feel better about your self and what you contribute to your family

  7. As most full time homemakers, I can relate to you and your feelings at the moment. It happens to all of us I think. My husband and I have the attitude that I DO WORK. I work at home. And when he comes home to relax after work, I still work lol. I’m on call 24/7. When the kids get up at night, I’m working 🙂 Being a stay at home mom is a lot more than just staying at home. What you do at home for your family cannot even come close to comparing to what you would do working outside of home. Your family needs you right there where you are right now. Don’t get discouraged!

  8. I hope you are feeling better now. I wish I can hug you. There’s no better teacher for your son than you. And you are also working, what you have is every married woman with kid’s wish; to be at home to take care of your tot while earning money by blogging. Miss u.

  9. Men can be idiots sometimes. They don’t think about what comes out of their mouth, or how it will be taken, before they open it.
    Does being a stay at home mom fulfill you? Are you happy doing it? Forget about the plans you had. Think of the now.
    We all had plans before marriage. I was going to college to become a veterinarian. That stopped and never restarted after marriage and a child. Now, I’m married, work a part time job, and try not to stress out too much about having his mother in law living with us, and taking over everything!
    Do what makes you happy. If you need a career for that, go for it. If you are happy as a stay at home mom, just keep in mind that you are a child care provider, housekeeper, chef, chauffeur… and probably more that I can’t think of right now. You work more hours being a stay at home mom… Actually, we’re changing that right now. You are a Professional Mother. You work more at that, and probably get more satisfaction, than at any other career. Okay, so it doesn’t pay so well. If you were to add up all the cost of the things you do that someone else would have to do if you had a job, I imagine you would be paying more than a job would bring in.

  10. I can completely relate to you. I went to a prestigious academy and graduated at the top of my class. I was always winning awards and got accepted into fifteen different universities. Instead, I fell in love and became a house wife. I’m really happy but sometimes I get depressed and feel useless and wonder if I should start working again. My fiance has said that same thing to me. It really hurt even though I knew it was a joke. I’m so glad that your husband comforted and reassured you! I’ve sat and thought, “Well, I could have easily gone up the corporate ladder and earned a bunch of money, but what good would that have been if I hadn’t found my soulmate?” I feel that in the end, love is all that matters. I’m an Aries – lol – the type of person who wants to be in charge, so sometimes I go stir crazy at home! Just know that what you’re feeling is totally normal and that you can do whatever you want in life. Your options are always open and I’m sure your husband will support you with whatever you choose! I recommend an involved hobby like painting or working out.

  11. I’m sorry, I’ve been there also! I work from home while hubby works outside the home. He makes little comments here and there about him going out to make money while I stay home with my daughter, who’s 3. I still work when I am home, 8-12 hours a day. I wish I got to sit on my butt as he thinks that I do. I wish I had more time to spend with my daughter. It hurts me when he says stupid things like that. Ugh, men!

  12. i thought i would’ve liked to be a stay at home mom but after my daughter turned 1 i was bored out of my mind.

  13. Enjoy it while it lasts, as the saying goes. A lot out there without batting an eyelashe would trade in their desk job just to be a housewife or a stay-at-home mom. Keribels! 🙂 but if you really want something, go pursue it. At least you already know what you want to do in life. Others spend all their life trying to know and/or discover what is their “main thing”… like me. Isnt that sad-der?? So keribels! 🙂

    • Oo nga. I think the feeling just comes every now and then when I think about how much we could be earning if I were working outside. Pero spending as much time with Sam is something I wouldn’t trade for any amount of money. 🙂
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  14. Never feel bad about being a stay at home mother. It is a full time job and such a blessing. Your child will only be young once. They grow up so fast. Maybe if you feel you need to work you could start out part time and see how it goe s. I know I never got to be a stay at home mom and it is something I will always regret. I wish you the very best. Just let God be your guide