I just found myself tearing up at what my husband said. I knew he was just kidding but it hurt a lot.
Ever since I was young, I have dreamed of being successful in the corporate world. I finished high school in one of the best science high schools in the Philippines and earned a bachelor’s degree from the country’s premier university. I was already working my way up the corporate ladder when I had to make a crucial decision: fly to the US to get married or stay in the Philippines to continue my life as I had planned. It was a really tough decision for me. My boss back then even asked me if I would consider staying if they gave me a promotion. But love prevailed and I decided to leave my country and marry my husband.
I never imagined I’d be a housewife/homemaker. I once broke up with a guy because he believes wives should stay at home. I hated the thought of being a housewife. I mean, I made sure I finished my studies at the best schools because I wanted to work and get promoted and work again and get promoted again.
When I was 2 months pregnant (about 2 years ago), I had to quit my job because of some complications. I couldn’t focus on my job so I just decided to resign. And when my son was born, my husband and I were actually glad that I didn’t need to think about when to go back to work because I had my son to take care of. But now that he’s almost 2 years old, sometimes I feel like maybe it’s time for me to look for a job so I can help with all the bills at home.
I hate not being able to contribute a significant amount to our monthly income. Sure I earn some money from blogging but it’s not that big and it doesn’t come regularly since it depends on how many offers I get for the month. I just make myself feel better by rationalizing (babysitter/daycare is expensive, at least I get to spend time with my son, etc). But then the other night, I was joking around with my husband and I wouldn’t let him sleep. Then he said something along the lines of:
“I need to sleep now. Unlike you, I have to wake up early in the morning to work. And while I’m working, you’ll still be here sleeping.“
I just suddenly stopped and cried. I knew he was just kidding so I didn’t want to get mad at him. But it really hurt because I suddenly felt like I was good for nothing. Like all the years I spent studying and laying foundations for a good career had just gone to waste and now I’m just a housewife and I couldn’t even contribute $1000 to our monthly budget.
He did say he was sorry for what he said and that he didn’t mean it. He realized he hurt me so he asked me to put my arms around him until he has fallen asleep. It may seem to be a weird “sorry gesture” to others but we both understand that this works well for both our love languages (touch for me and quality time for him). But I still couldn’t keep myself from crying while I had my arms around him.
Why did I react that way? I guess it’s a touchy topic for me given that I’ve always planned on becoming a career woman and that’s not what’s happening. Or maybe it was just PMS. LOL!
I thought I was okay with being a stay-at-home mom. But perhaps I haven’t fully embraced this setup yet. Or maybe I just need to stop thinking that just because I don’t work outside the home, I am not fulfilling my duties as a wife and mother.